


Onions are the sexiest allium

by Nadia_Hernandez



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Burritos, Chinese Food, Comedy, Comfort Food, Cute, Cute Ending, Cutesy, Domestic, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Family, Fast Food, Food, Funny, Long-Term Relationship(s), Romance, Romantic Comedy, Short & Sweet, Sweet, Vegetarians & Vegans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:40:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28277004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadia_Hernandez/pseuds/Nadia_Hernandez
Summary: Waverly wants her family to eat well. Rachel is a teenager and Wynonna may be a wolverine. Nicole has strong feelings about onions.
Relationships: Waverly - Relationship, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Kudos: 50





	Onions are the sexiest allium

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah... Chinexican is something my sister actually came up with. It is as gross as it sounds, but also just as amazing as it sounds. Fear the Chinexican. Live the Chinexican.

"Okay, so who wants another helping of my cauliflower ranch pizza?" Waverly lifts up a slice with the stainless steel pie server that may or may not have once been used as an improvised knife against gremlins. "I made plenty. It's nutritious--and delicious!"

"I'll buy nutritious but I'm not super sure about delicious," Wynonna says. "Baby girl can't you make us something that's a little less... healthy once in a while?"

She sniffs. "I'm sorry if my family's health is important to me."

"It's important to me, too." Wynonna vaguely waves a slice of pizza at her, as if in submission. "It's just that the stuff you make for us sometimes... well... it's not super filling. Not what the soul wants, y'know?"

"And what, pray tell, does the soul want?" Waverly asks as if she would really just as soon not find out.

"I don't know." Wynonna sets down the pizza and takes a sip of her Molson lager--held at exactly thirty-one and a half degree Farenheit, thank you very much. "I just... when a girl has been out slaying demons all day sometimes she just wants to come home and shove some greasy chud into her eat hole."

Rachel giggles. "Chud? What?" Nicole is a wise woman and just keeps an eye on the proceedings from behind the two slices of cauliflower ranch pizza that she hasn't quite decided that she's hungry enough to attack.

"Y'know... chud. Crap. Stuff that actually tastes great. Like when we were little and Daddy was working late or working drunk or whatever sometimes I would get a big box of those mini-burritos, right?"

"The ones with the green and red chilis? Those are so good!"

"Hells yeah they are. Anyway, I'd get a big box of those mini-burritos and another box of egg rolls--could be pork, could be chicken, doesn't really matter--and sorta bake em all together with the little packets of sauce you get with em." She pulls a fake French accent. "It give it, how you say, an umami sort of taste." Nicole feels her stomach churn a little at the thought of it but the concoction doesn't seem particularly out of character for Wynonna. Maybe even for her if the soysages and Impossible burgers get a little old it's for the best if Waverly is in charge of dinner...

Rachel's dark eyes grow huge. "Dude... that sounds amazing. I thought I was a genius back at the lab when I would use candy bars from the vending machines to scoop out peanut butter from the jars I would find in people's lockers but that was just desperation. What you're talking about is purely inspired!"

Wynonna's smile is that of a big, lazy cat who has devoured an entire flock of canaries. "I called it 'Chinexican.'"

Waverly seems a little green. "Don't remind me. And don't give her any ideas."

"Too late! Already got one!" Rachel drums on the table. "So mini-burritos and egg rolls are Chinexican, right?"

"Right."

"Okay, so my vision--and listen carefully." She holds her hands up in front of her face like a director looking for the perfect shot. "Say you do that, cause that is brilliant, but you also add in some Alfredo sauce and ravioli or meatballs or something?"

"Dude... that... dude." Wynonna squeezes her shoulder. "The next generation really is the only thing that can give us hope, isn't it?"

"We'll call it Chinexital," she says. "What about if we put in some pad thai stuff, too?"

"Nah," Wynonna says. "I think you're gonna be flying too close to the sun, there, but I like the energy. It's taken you to a kind of a dark place, maybe, but I still like it."

"Then you know what we need to do, right?"

"Head to the grocery store so that we can buy mini-burritos, egg rolls, alfredo sauce and ravioli?"

"Now see that, Wynonna Earp, is why you are the coolest old person I know. Like, seriously."

She shrugged. "I'll take it." She doesn't stand so much as uncoil with the lazy, murderous energy of a panther in the sun. "So what are we waiting for, kiddo? Truck's full of gas and we bout to be the same."

They hurry out with quick hugs for Waverly and a promise to be back before too long. By the time they have left and the truck is burning down the road fast enough to spit gravel out from under the tires and blaring "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground loud enough to cause permanent hearing loss Nicole finds herself fixed under a baleful, angelic gaze. "What?"

"I dunno, babe... you coulda took up for me a little, maybe? I worked hard on this. Cauliflower isn't easy to make into a reasonable facsimile of a pizza crust."

"I know... and you didn't, but that's okay. You worked hard on it. And I worked hard on eating it." She smiles. "I'm a meatloaf and potatoes kinda girl. I never even ate cauliflower when my parents told me that there'd be another forest fire if I didn't finish my vegetables."

Her eyes grow wide. "Jesus. They said that? Like, actually?"

"It was tough love, I guess." She pushes away from the table and interlaces her fingers behind her head. "Your daddy may have liked to hit but my mom was more of an emotional abuse kinda gal... she liked to bring a sort of a subtle grace to it."

"I know but damn... that's, like, Willa levels of sociopathic. I'd kinda rather just get smacked around a little." She perches on Nicole's lap, thank whatever gods may be for sturdy farmhouse kitchen chairs. "I just wanna do right by Rachel--I know she's almost grown but you don't age out of family at eighteen and I'm a natural born mother-hen, it was one of the many superlatives I won in high school--and I always just worry about Wynonna. It's not like she eats right. Or sleeps enough. Or... does literally anything to take care of herself."

"Wynonna's kind of a savage. Girl's my best friend but..." Nicole blows out a long puff of air. "Yeah. She is who she is. And Rachel's a teenager... she's got a good couple more years of savage before she grows out of it. Or should." She smiles. "Ought to have known that putting the two of them together would be like Lord of the Flies up in here."

"My baby's so reasonable." She kisses her and wrinkles her nose. "You taste kinda like cauliflower ranch."

"See? That's what I'm talking about. If I'd had my meatloaf and potatoes I wouldn't have tasted like anything but maybe gravy."

Waverly giggles. "I dunno. Isn't gravy kinda oniony?"

"Onions are the one of the sexier alliums." They laugh and let their foreheads rest together. "I love you"

"Am I as sexy as an onion?"

"Sexier. You might even be as sexy as leeks--or even chives."

"Then I love you too--even if you taste like cauliflower ranch right now," she murmurs, close to Nicole's lips, and then closes the distance. "Wanna head up to the bedroom before our problem children come back and destroy the kitchen?"

Nicole carries her like a bride and they fall into a place where no one can reach them, a garden as isolated as the one Waverly was trapped in for eighteen months and far holier. Touch, caress and the gentle kiss are currency here, food for body and soul alike, and their sweat that mixes is dew from the eyelash of a dream. To be one flesh between their sheets is the finest fate Nicole can imagine and it is made only sweeter for the fact that it will be for all time, for the rest of their lives. She'd just stay here with her angel, worshipping at her altar and being worshipped in return, if she could swing it. Science is for suckers and church is for TV preachers with hair that doesn't move--this is heaven, the only one she can imagine.

Awhile later, long enough for Wynonna and Rachel to get back and start thumping around in the kitchen doing God knows what at least, they lay with entwined limbs. Waverly sighs. "Well, I guess I'll get up and get dressed."

"Or you could, you know... not."

"They're gonna destroy the kitchen. Possibly the living room. I've gotta go make sure they don't burn the house down." She winces. "Too soon?"

"I'll allow it. And why don't you just let them have their orgy of terrible food decisions and take care of it after they go into a food coma? We can watch Carmilla again."

She brightens up. "I do love me some Carmilla."

"Yeah, you love Laura's arms."

"Well, her arms are important." She smiles shyly, wickedly. "I might have a type."

"I'm glad you do. Now let's get watching."


End file.
